Yesterday at my waitressing job the resteraunt was filled with Americans...I counted and every single table actually. The tips were magnifisant. As Jay Z might say, "I'm a hussler homey." Most people are here to visit their children at the university and are straight off the boat. Jet lag hasn't worn off and the conversion rate hasn't sunken in.
When the bill comes they, without fail, ask
Americans: "You're not from the states are you?"
Me: Why yes I am. Washington DC.
Americans: ::gasp::: we are from (insert east coast city)!!?!? So you're studying at the University of Edinburgh I take it.
Me: You're from the states too?? wow! (not really suprised). I love (blank city) I looked at a college/have relatives/have friends that went to college there. No, I just graduated in May and I thought I would go to see the world while I still can because it gets harder the older you get with student loans and a job....so I am here just avoiding adulthood.
Americans: (sympathetic nod) You picked a great place to do it. Well isn't that something....we come all the way to Scotland to be served someone from WASHINGTON DC. How are you finding it??
Me: It's a lovely city...I feel really lucky to be doing this but the pound is killing me as you know. I try to be as thrifty as possible- I live in a hostel...a 16 bed in a room hostel and I cook my own food (cue the violens). But the experience itself is priceless (***and so are your upcoming tips***)... I've met so many fantastic people and it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Americans: That sure is nifty....you must miss your folks sometimes.
Me: Yeah- they are visiting here in a few months and I can't wait. I've been saving up all the touristey stuff for when I can do it with them. Here's your bill....hope you enjoyed your haggis. Oh yeah- I don't know if you were considering adding the tip on the credit card but..it's money that I never get to see. It's suppossed to go back into our wages after being taxed but it's really just something they tell us because our wages stay the same.
Americans: Can you read that amount on the receipt? I don't have my glasses.....what's 20% of (overpriced amount).
Me: Wow....I really appreciate that...Safe travels.
Ca-ching! Guaranteed 20-25% each time in tips. I will not be sleeping on the streets afterall.
That is how you do it.
None of it is a lie techincally....but I do somewhat Tiny Tim it.
On a side note- I'd like to thank the academy and my agent.
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3 comments:
You may not be excited for your parents to visit, but you are sure damn excited for your sister to come over and rock the house!
rock the house?
I love your riff about shandhaiing the rubes from the states, all except the reference to your everloving rents. I demand a recount.
The really big poppa bear.
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